Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
