I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Randomize
