I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
