textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
