Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
