What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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