I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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