Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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