Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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