At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
