So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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