This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
