Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
