You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize