I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
