I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
