i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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