Your dad touched me again.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
