So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
