I didn't shave. On purpose
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
God, I missed his penis.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
