im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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