i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
