Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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