then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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