you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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