Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
