I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
