Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i just made my gag reflex go away.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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