i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
