I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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