I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
