is wine microwaveable?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
