nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
