I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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