i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
