Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
