Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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