Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
