im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
