Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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