Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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