Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
