Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
