I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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