just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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