Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Randomize
