I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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