I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
