I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
