and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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