You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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