I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
