hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
