In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
