Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
