dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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