dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
